


Mad World

by taishige



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, TOKIO
Genre: Cheating, Coming Out, Complicated Relationships, Descent into depression, F/M, Going Back In, Gusshige relationship stuff, Leader running around in his underwear, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-16 19:04:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taishige/pseuds/taishige
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taking care of Joshima is a full-time job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mad World

**Author's Note:**

> I got the strongest urge for Gusshige the other day and decided that I wanted to write something happy and cute and fun for them. You can imagine how it turned out.

Taking care of Joshima is a full-time job.

It's taken a while for Tatsuya to come to this realization, but looking back, he wonders how it took him so long in the first place.

"What's that?"

Tatsuya looks down from where they're standing on the train, fumbling around with the money he'd just taken out of his wallet. He freezes. Joshima freezes too - halfway down to pick it up and return it to Tatsuya, but having just figured out what it is himself and now not knowing what to do.

Tatsuya doesn't say anything.

It takes a few moments. Joshima rights himself without having picked it up.

"...why do you have that?"

Tatsuya looks away.

Joshima's lips are pinched together and he's got that look, that look where he could break down crying at the drop of a hat.

"...you have... have _plans_ tonight?"

Tatsuya kneels down and finally picks the condom up off the ground, tucking it back in his wallet where he'd had it originally. The last thing he wants to do is cause a scene.

"It's nothing." His face is red.

"Don't tell me it's _nothing_ , it's not _nothing!_ "

Tatsuya feels his face get warmer. He curses himself for letting it fall out, but curses Joshima even more because people are already starting to glance at them. He turns towards the window, leaning heavily on the handle above his head.

"Is this a common thing for you that I've never known about? Does anyone else know? You know how much trouble you could get in if you're caught?" Joshima's clearly becoming distraught. "And... and it's just... it's not _safe_ either! Who is she? Someone you see a lot? Or is she just a whore off the street?"

"Shigeru-kun, shut _up_."

But Joshima doesn't shut up. "Do you even think about these things? What if the _press_ found out? You'd get kicked out! We just debuted and here you are already fucking with your career!"

Tatsuya's hand tightens around the handle.

Joshima's right up in his face. "How long have you been with her? Answer me!"

Tatsuya explodes. "I put that in there 'cuz I wanted to sleep with _you_!"

_click-clack, click-clack_

Tatsuya turns away with a jerk. Joshima doesn't say anything else the rest of the time they're on the train. His face is bright red.

That night when they're done for the day and Tatsuya is packing up his stuff to leave, Joshima shyly tugs on the sleeve of his jacket. That night Tatsuya sneaks into Joshima's dorm room with him and gets to show him all the research and thought he's put into this. 'Cuz god knows, he's never fucked a dude before, only a few girls in high school, and _Joshima_ is no help anyway, all awkward and fumbly and questioning, worried glances. But he lets him touch his dick and put the condom on for him to get him comfortable with it and when he finally does go in, it's slow and careful, their breath caught in their throats, and he's staring down into the other's eyes, Joshima's mouth warm around his tongue and his ass wonderfully tight around his dick.

A few weeks later he calls him Shige for the first time when he invites him out for coffee after a late shoot, and Joshima fits snug in the crook of his arm.

By the time Tatsuya buys a permanent place out in Chiba, the full weight of his new "job" has made itself quite apparent.

Taking care of Joshima means going out at least once a week. It could be coffee. It could be dinner. It could be drinks. If it's coffee, Joshima will come dressed in his button-up coat with a cute little scarf and he'll probably be wearing his glasses. If it's dinner, he'll have a dressy jacket on and his hair just slightly gelled to give it a little bounce. If it's drinks, he'll have shades on and be trying to look cool, talking to the other patrons of the establishment while Tatsuya sits and drinks a beer, but as soon as he comes to join him for a drink of his own, he gets quiet and reserved and Tatsuya rubs the crook of his back with his thumb.

Taking care of Joshima means always being there to pick up his sorry ass when he's down for the count. The only problem is Joshima will never admit once he's reached this point, so Tatsuya has to drag him away, sometimes literally, and force him to rest. Force him to sit down. Force him to go home.

Joshima will come to the dressing room with a temperature of 39 and just lay on the couch, curled in on himself in the cushions. Tatsuya has to lug him up on his shoulder and take him out to his car to drive him home, Joshima moaning and complaining but at least not having the energy to fight back.

Joshima will sprain his ankle at a particularly grueling DASH shoot but he won't say anything, and Tatsuya will have to notice something off about his gait before he can force him to sit in the back of one of the vans long enough that he can at least wrap it in something and get him some ice.

Joshima will work seven nights out of the week practically non-stop, and Tatsuya will have to go to the staff himself and tell them they were "going to take a short trip together and would need some time off." Then he'll drag Joshima off to his car and drive him to his own house so Joshima wouldn't be able to get back to work. He'll pout and complain until they get there. Then he'll forget he ever said anything about it.

Taking care of Joshima means putting up with his underwear obsession. Because the man likes his underwear, that's for sure. Tatsuya'd given him a few drawers in his closet for clothes, but one of the drawers is completely filled with just underwear. All kinds, too. And most of the time Joshima spends at his place, he's in _just_ his underwear.

He's got boxers for the summertime. He wears them with a little tank, sprawled out across Tatsuya's bed with the windows open and the overhead fan going. Tatsuya will be out at the beach waxing his surfboard and Joshima will come out and wordlessly wrap his arms around his shoulders from behind for just a moment, sea breeze making his hair dance. Then he'll hand him one of the beers he brought out and will sit with Tatsuya in the sand as he finishes up. Sometimes he'll bring Junon out with him from the house too, and then the two of them will play frisbee while Tatsuya surfs.

He's got briefs for the winter. Tatsuya likes the little white ones with the blue seams. Joshima wears them with one of Tatsuya's huge sweatshirts, snuggled up with Junon on the couch. Then Tatsuya will get done cleaning up the kitchen (Joshima cooked, so he doesn't have to, right?) and come sprawl himself in the big easy chair, to which Joshima will insist that he's cold and have to come share the chair, by which he really meant climb on top of him and bury himself into the other's hoodie. Tatsuya tells him to put pants on as he slips his hands under Joshima's briefs and squeezes his rear end. Joshima just wiggles said rear end and retorts something about flaunting the goods.

Joshima's also got what he calls 'bedroom undies', which might just be the kind Tatsuya appreciates the most as they're what he sees when he comes out of the shower and Joshima's sitting on his bed waiting for him with his head cocked to the side and that little grin on his face that's beckoning him towards the sheets. He's also got special underwear he wears for performances, underwear for 'scaring the kouhai', underwear for getting Tatsuya riled up while they're on-shoot and he wants to be a little imp, underwear for running around the house in his socks while Tatsuya chases him, and let's not forget underwear for wearing under his apron on their third year anniversary when Tatsuya'd showed up at his apartment with flowers and ready to take him out to eat (they didn't go out to eat).

Taking care of Joshima means putting up with the other three members of TOKIO. He can still remember the first time it came up.

"You and Leader are pretty close, huh?"

It'd come from Taichi, the other man sitting on the couch in the dressing room and reading a book. He hadn't even looked up when he'd asked him.

"Yeah. We're close."

It'd taken Matsuoka a little bit longer than that (which, really, he _had_ only been 17 when the whole thing had started). Tatsuya's pretty sure it'd finally sunk in when Joshima'd shown up to a shoot wearing one of Tatsuya's hoodies, though it might also have been when Joshima'd fallen asleep on his shoulder on the way back from Wakayama prefecture and Tatsuya'd simply curled an arm around his waist.

"Anii...?"

"Hm?"

Matsuoka's looking down at his tray, a bit of rice balanced on his chopsticks. They're at the studio cafeteria. He's quiet for so long that Tatsuya finally looks over at him, an eyebrow raised as he takes a sip from his tea.

"...about... you and Leader..."

Tatsuya puts his glass down and coughs into his hand.

"...I don't wanna, you know... like... I mean..."

Matsuoka looks entirely awkward and entirely uncomfortable.

Tatsuya takes a bite from his fish. "...yes."

It's silent again then. Matsuoka nods his head, then puts his arm around the other's shoulder and gives him a little half-hug.

They hadn't needed to say anything more.

Now, Nagase, on the other hand, had taken longer than any of them. In fact, he'd been convinced for a few years that it was his job to find his "big brothers some hot chicks". Taichi'd been the one to finally tell him - had taken him back into the corner of the dressing room after one too many times of making Joshima incredibly uncomfortable by insisting he wanted to see him get laid. For the week after that, he'd been really quiet, unsure, nervous about saying something wrong. Now he just makes fun of them and jokes about Joshima's ass hurting.

Most of the time Tatsuya wishes Taichi'd never told him.

Taking care of Joshima means protecting him from the higher-ups.

The first couple times they'd gotten caught hadn't been that big a deal - one of the DASH staff saw Tatsuya give Joshima a quick little kiss in the back of the van once. One of the juniors came up behind them unnoticed when Tatsuya'd been holding Joshima's hand once.

Tatsuya tries harder after that - double and triple checks their surroundings, limits himself as much as possible when they're at work, even distancing himself if he has to.

But even he's a slave to his sex drive at times, and they're in one of the closets once, Joshima having just come back from a five-day stint in Okinawa and neither one having seen each other yet and Tatsuya's just, he's just in one of those _moods_ that day, and he has Joshima propped up against the wall, his dick pushed all the way up the other's rear end and his fingers making indents in his thighs and Joshima's legs wrapped tight around his waist when the door opens to one of their senpai looking for cleaning solvent for an accident in one of the dressing rooms.

Tatsuya takes the blame for it himself. They both get called in to the office, but Tatsuya doesn't tell Joshima and simply goes himself, pleading for them to leave Joshima alone, leave him out of it, he has nothing to do with any of it. Tatsuya gets told that if they don't end it, they'd both lose their jobs.

That weekend when Joshima's over at his place, Tatsuya holds him tighter than he ever has before, carding a hand through his hair and tracing his lips across his forehead, the other sighing and curling against him, already falling asleep from the exhausting week of work they'd put behind them.

But he can't tell him.

Joshima would freak out if he knew. Tatsuya knows him too well.

Taking care of Joshima means doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do.

He starts seeing a girl. It's an on and off thing, mostly on when he knows someone from the staff might see him. When one of his senpai might see him, so that word would get around that he was seeing someone new.

Relationships in general are looked down upon in Johnny's, but at least a relationship with a girl would mean he wasn't sleeping with his bandmate anymore. Pictures with a girl might land you on a page of Friday one week, but a simple word from the agency and an apology would render it inoccuous. Entirely overly chummy pictures with a close _bandmate_ could mean the downfall of your band.

The girl's name is Reina. She's sweet and nice and Tatsuya really does like her as a friend. She's fun to hang out with, and their "dates" prove to be entirely entertaining.

"Tatsuya," she asks, straw balanced precariously on her lip, "how are you still single?"

Tatsuya just smiles. "I'm gay."

She laughs so hard soda comes shooting up her nose.

Yes, he likes her a lot.

He goes home after his date to find Joshima curled up with Junon on his couch. His glasses are falling off his nose and he has a book open on his lap, but his head's lolled back on the cushions and his mouth's open just enough for soft snores to come out.

He smiles down at him, eyebrow cocked up in amusement. After closing the book, carefully pulling the glasses off his face, and leading Junon away to her kennel, he hauls Joshima's limp form up into his arms and carries him bridal-style to the bedroom. He doesn't even bother changing his clothes, just sprawls himself out on the bed while pulling Joshima up on top of him, the other man giving off a few murmurs but nothing more.

Tatsuya runs a hand through Joshima's hair. "Sorry I'm late..."

Joshima snores.

Tatsuya continues petting the other's hair out of habit. "Shige, let's grow old together. Let's quit our jobs - we don't need them. We'll quit and you and me and Junon'll run away..." His hand moves down until one of his fingers is running soft circles over Joshima's cheek. "We'll buy a little house right on the ocean, further away from all this. Where no one'll even know who we are."

Joshima murmurs something incomprehensible, and Tatsuya looks up at the ceiling.

"Let's adopt a kid together. We'll... we'll find somewhere where that's allowed, and we'll be a family. We'll send him off to school and, and I'll open up a surf shop right on the beach and, and you'll walk over from the house in those stupid boxers of yours and tell me to hurry my ass inside for dinner, but we'll stop for a moment because the sun'll be setting and..."

Tatsuya realizes he's crying. His throat's gotten so tight he can't even continue, tears leaking down the sides of his face and the ceiling no longer visible through the blur.

He tightens his grip on Joshima's form, pulling him in closer to his chest. Ever so lightly he kisses the top of his head.

"I can't do this anymore, Joh..."

Taking care of Joshima means accepting what's best for him.

Tatsuya isn't sure the exact point he realizes that they need to split up. Well, he's known it for a while, really, but his heart hasn't let him acknowledge it. Hasn't let him accept that it would be better for both of them.

Maybe if they'd had different professions. Ones where their every moves weren't being watched by the press. Maybe if they'd lived in a different time. One where it was socially acceptable in Japan for two guys to live together and have their own family.

Sometimes Tatsuya imagines what it would have been like if Joshima'd been a girl. In his mind, he would have proposed a long time ago.

But the point is, they're them and the time is now, and if things keep going the way they're going, they're both going to get hurt. Joshima most of all.

"Shige, have you ever thought about seeing someone else?"

Joshima laughs, looking up from his book and giving Junon's head a little scratch. "Why would I ever think of that?"

Tatsuya laughs then too, a nervous kind of laugh. "Yeah, it's stupid, huh?"

The laughter trails off and it's silent again, Joshima reading his book and Tatsuya staring at the overhead fan.

Tatsuya chews on the inside of his cheek. "...I'm seeing someone else. A girl."

Joshima's head turns up slowly. He blinks, unsure of what to say, his face searching Tatsuya's for a sign that he's joking. Messing with him.

But Tatsuya doesn't look at him. He continues to stare straight up, his mouth and throat dry as he breathes slowly. And then he simply gets up, walks out of the living room and towards the bathroom to take a bath before bed.

When they get in bed that night, they don't face each other.

"What's her name?"

Tatsuya glances over at Joshima's back. "...Reina."

Ten minutes later he hears the muted sound of Joshima crying from the other side of the bed.

Taking care of Joshima means stabbing yourself in the heart.

Joshima pretends like the conversation never happened. The next morning he makes Tatsuya breakfast, happily bouncing around, opening the windows to let the breeze from the sea filter in. Throughout the next week it's like nothing's changed, the same smile directed at him whenever he looks over, the same brush of the other's hand inside his own, the same little texts in his phone's inbox.

On Thursday night, he gets a text asking if he wouldn't like to come over for dinner on Friday. He'd make a really grand dinner for the two of them. Something special. Something romantic. Wine and everything!

Joshima never asks him over for dinner. It's usually just an assumed thing - they'd get together after work on Friday and decide where they were going for the weekend, staying in town or heading to Tatsuya's place.

Tatsuya stares down at the text and purses his lips. _Count me in!_ he types back.

Joshima isn't at the office the next day. Apparently he'd called in sick, so they reschedule the shoot he was supposed to have that day to the next week. At 5:00 when Tatsuya's done for the day, he drives over to Joshima's apartment in silence.

The door isn't locked. He steps inside, strangely apprehensive, hands in his pockets as he chews on his bottom lip.

"Shige?" He slides his shoes off, padding into the apartment.

There's a sound from the kitchen, and then Joshima's head pops around the corner. "Tatsuya! You're here! Did you get off early?" He's got a little apron on and he's mixing mixing mixing something in a red bowl. There's flour and sugar and who-knows-what-else on his face and in his hair.

Tatsuya shakes his head. "They only needed me for the first part of the shoot today since they're doing a special for the second half, so they let me go." He walks towards the kitchen with a little laugh. "You're a mess."

Joshima tries to fix his hair, pushing it back behind his ear. "I haven't had a chance to clean up yet..."

"What're you makin' in there?" Another step.

"N-nothing! It's not done yet!"

"Must be _something!_ " Another step.

Joshima's hand comes up so fast he almost drops the bowl. "It's not _done_ yet!"

But by now, Tatsuya's close enough that he just pushes past and into the kitchen, even as Joshima grabs his sleeve and tries to pull back.

And what a sight it is. The kitchen itself was a mess - ingredients, flour, meat, vegetables, fruit, pots, pans, oil... it was everywhere. But just past the kitchen was the dining area where the table was covered with food. All types of food. Heaps and mountains of food. Chaahan, sukiyaki, hand-rolled sushi, three different types of soups, fish, fish, more fish, zarusoba, kitsune udon, different types of cakes, cookies, dango, mochi, taiyaki, roll cake.

Tatsuya's breath catches in his throat and he stops in the middle of the kitchen.

"Shige, what is...?"

Joshima walks in behind him, slowly, bowl low in his hands. Neither one of them say anything for a few moments, Tatsuya's eyes wandering over the array of food and still finding new dishes. It doesn't even look like there's room for more on the table.

When Joshima's voice speaks up, it's so small Tatsuya can barely hear it.

"...I wanted to make you love me again."

Tatsuya turns, turns to see Joshima's head downturned and staring at the floor.

"I don't know what I did wrong..." When he raises his head, Tatsuya can see the tears already starting to leak from his eyes and the snot building up under his nose.

"Shige..." Tatsuya's holding his breath. "Shige, you didn't do anything wrong..."

Joshima snaps. " _Then why are you seeing someone else?"_ He throws the bowl on the floor and it shatters into a mess of glass and dough. Joshima's body has gone rigid.

Tatsuya winces. He takes a deep breath, staring down at the broken pieces. "...Shige, we knew this couldn't last forever..."

"FUCK THAT." Joshima's jaw is clenched tight, but then his face softens and he takes a step forward. "Tatsuya... Tatsuya, I _love_ you, I... Tatsuya, you're... you're _everything_..." Tears are leaking down his chin onto his apron. "...d-don't you love me anymore?"

Tatsuya grinds his teeth together. "Of course I do."

Joshima reaches out and takes Tatsuya's hand, holding it between his own. "...then stay... stay with me..."

"Shige, you're 36 years old. When are you going to settle down and have a family?"

Joshima shakes his head, eyes closed. "You are my family." He tries to take a step forward, tries to lean himself into Tatsuya's chest, but Tatsuya steps backwards.

Tatsuya's voice gets stuck in his throat. "No, I'm not. I'm _not_ , Joh. We've gotta stop living in our dream world and face reality."

" _This is my reality!_ " Joshima clenches his eyes together. His face is a mess.

"It's not anymore! Reina's _pregnant_!"

Tatsuya doesn't realize he's yelling until he's already said it.

And Joshima's eyes open slowly. Silently. He's staring at him.

"Tatsuya..."

"She's pregnant, Shige. I'm gonna be a dad."

"Tatsuya..."

"It's what I've always wanted. To have my own family. To be able to watch my kid grow up, go to school. To have my own little place and someone to grow old with."

" _Tatsuya_..."

"I want it for you too, Joh." Tatsuya takes a step forward. "Go out. Get married. We can't be together, but we can still be happy. I-I want you to happy, don't you get it? I want you to find someone to take care of you. I want you to be able to live and be happy and not have to hide."

"Get out of here."

It's so soft, Tatsuya doesn't hear it at first. "...Shige?"

And then Joshima turns his eyes upwards, his face soaked with snot and tears and his eyes burning with rage and horror and a deep-rooted loneliness that sucks the life out of Tatsuya's heart.

" _GET OUT OF HERE._ "

Joshima charges forward at this, and Tatsuya backs up instantly, rushing for the door before he even realizes it. Joshima would have reached him except that he trips and falls, landing in the messy pile of broken glass. But he pays it no mind, getting back to his feet and continuing to chase Tatsuya towards the door.

"Get away _get away GET AWAY._ "

Tatsuya slams the door behind him as he leaves, then falls back against it, crumbles, collapses all the way down to the floor, unable to keep it in anymore as he cries, sobs, hiccups with his back to the door.

There's a thump on the other side.

Joshima's sobs are nearly in time with his own.

"...don't leave me..."

Tatsuya's breath is raspy as he breathes in. He can hear Joshima's hand slide down the surface of the door.

"...don't leave me all alone..."

Taking care of Joshima is packing up all his clothes and leaving them in a bag for him in the dressing room. Tatsuya runs his thumbs over the fabric of the little white briefs with the blue seams.

Taking care of Joshima is unhooking the special collar he'd made for Junon on her 10th birthday.

Taking care of Joshima is sending him an invitation to his and Reina's wedding.

Taking care of Joshima is marrying a woman. It's having a son. It's having a family of his own.

At least Tatsuya convinces himself of this.

Taking care of Joshima is a full-time job.


End file.
